Forgiveness - releasing the pain

1 February 2021

Taking steps to move forward with our lives

Words Lyn Beasy

It is fairly certain that none of us will go through life without being hurt by others. But it is how we respond to those hurts that will determine how successful we are at putting the past behind us.

It’s a normal reaction to have experienced pain, suffering, feelings of betrayal and loss when we’ve been hurt by others. We mistakenly think that seeking revenge or staying bitter causes the other person pain. Living with bitterness is not an effective way of dealing with hurt. Bitterness doesn’t just stay in one area of our life. Eventually, it affects every part of our lives and the people around us.

We think that holding on to bitterness and resentment hurts the other person. But all it does is tie us to the offender and we remain their victim.

We can’t stop people hurting us, but we can choose how we respond to it. It’s important for our wellbeing to acknowledge our feelings and work through them. The past is the past, but we can change how we move forward into the future. Forgiveness is the key that will help you enjoy the future and live in freedom from the things that once hurt. If you are regularly being hurt, that pattern needs to change. You do not deserve to be hurt and you may need to stay away from the offending person.

Forgiving doesn’t mean the relationship instantly heals. It may take time to rebuild, if ever, but forgiveness is the start of healing.

Forgiving is a sign of strength that brings release. It takes courage to face our past hurts and deal with the pain.

Forgiveness doesn’t let the offender off the hook, they will always be seen as the offender, but it gives us the power and freedom to redefine who we are, from victim to victor.

To forgive, you don’t need to deny your feelings about what happened, and you don’t need to forget in order to forgive. We can learn from the past to help guide our future. Forgiving someone doesn’t absolve them from being responsible for what they’ve done, but you choose to not let it hold you. We acknowledge the offence but no longer feel the need for revenge. To forgive doesn’t mean to reconcile. Sometimes reconciliation is not possible. It takes two willing parties to reconcile, but only one to offer forgiveness. To forgive takes time.

Forgiveness is not for other people, it is for yourself. It doesn’t require us to ‘feel’ ready to forgive; it is a choice, and once we’ve made that decision, we are more able to get closure on that part of our lives. The wounds will take time to heal and a scar will remain, but they won’t cause as much pain as they would if we held on to bitterness.

Sometimes, the hardest person to forgive is ourselves. When we have been the person who has caused pain, even though we may have felt truly repentant and been forgiven, we carry the burden of guilt and find it hard to let go. We need to recognise that whether we need to forgive someone else or seek our own forgiveness within, it is a journey worth taking in order to feel that we can move on with our life.

Lyn Beasy is a psychologist in NSW.