Making friends as an adult

20 February 2022

Building relationships that enrich the quality, health, and enjoyment of our lives 

Words Jessica Morris

When I was a kid, my best friend was whoever I went to school with. Friendships like that were all about proximity – I saw them every day, so after a million trial and errors with everyone in my class, I found my people. 

So, that’s a simplified version of friendship at school. How many of us remember that it was NEVER that easy to find ‘our people’? But once we did – whether it happened while we travelled, through sports, or through family – we knew we belonged. 

Enter adulthood. And without the mandated proximity of school or university – and in the middle of a pandemic! – it’s a lot more difficult to find and make quality friends. We want real connection – so, where do we find it? 

Building friendships isn’t easy, especially as COVID-19 is so prevalent across the country. But, as restrictions and health concerns allow, we can start by joining a community group or making conversation with people in our community – even if initially online. Think also of the person who walks their dog every day, 

get to know your barista, or consider your local community church. Take advantage of the everyday opportunities to connect with people and see what develops. 

Here are seven steps to help you get there:

1. BE INTENTIONAL

If you want to be known by a person, they also need to feel known by you. Be intentional in your conversations with them and make time to catch up, not just in a group setting, but one on one either online or in person. 

1. ASK THEM ABOUT THEMSELVES

Take a genuine interest in your friend’s life and ask them open-ended questions like, “Tell me about your family,” or “What motivated you to work in (said industry)?” If you have something in common (children, pets, a favourite movie, a view on life or faith), you have the building blocks of friendship.

1. BE LIGHT

A relationship that is too intense too fast isn’t healthy for anyone, so leave moments for the light, mundane, and fun. Considering safety and any health advice in COVID-19 times, participate in group activities, go to the movies or for a walk, talk about the TV show you love to watch, or have a coffee. A good friend knows how to have fun and embrace every moment, no matter how heavy or light it may be.

1. PRACTISE HONESTY

If something concerns you and a person displays unhealthy habits (passive-aggressive 

get to know your barista, or consider your local community church. Take advantage of the everyday opportunities to connect with people and see what develops. 

Here are seven steps to help you get there:

1. BE INTENTIONAL

If you want to be known by a person, they also need to feel known by you. Be intentional in your conversations with them and make time to catch up, not just in a group setting, but one on one either online or in person. 

1. ASK THEM ABOUT THEMSELVES

Take a genuine interest in your friend’s life and ask them open-ended questions like, “Tell me about your family,” or “What motivated you to work in (said industry)?” If you have something in common (children, pets, a favourite movie, a view on life or faith), you have the building blocks of friendship.

1. BE LIGHT

A relationship that is too intense too fast isn’t healthy for anyone, so leave moments for the light, mundane, and fun. Considering safety and any health advice in COVID-19 times, participate in group activities, go to the movies or for a walk, talk about the TV show you love to watch, or have a coffee. A good friend knows how to have fun and embrace every moment, no matter how heavy or light it may be.

1. PRACTISE HONESTY

If something concerns you and a person displays unhealthy habits (passive-aggressive 

or egocentric tendencies, a lack of care for themselves, for example), speak up. A meaningful relationship must be based on more than just peace and being agreeable; it needs to be built on truth.

1. REMEMBER IMPORTANT DETAILS

This is far easier said than done, but there is value in a friend remembering a birthday, an anniversary, an important event, or a concern you discussed the last time you caught up. Get to know more about what makes a person tick by asking them about significant events and people in their lives, family occasions, or worldviews.

1. BE OPEN

We tend to be guarded in our relationships, especially when we have been hurt in the past. Permit yourself to be cautious but open. Leave a crack in the door so others can see part of your life, and as your relationship builds, allow this openness to increase.

1. BE GENUINE

Focus on being authentic, showing people your real interests, passions, and beliefs, your strengths and weaknesses. By doing this, you permit them to be ‘real’ with you, and this gives your relationships the space to deepen and grow.

The Bible has much to say about the importance of friendship in all our lives, including these words from Proverbs chapter 27, verse 9:

“Just as lotions and fragrance give sensual delight, a sweet friendship refreshes the soul” (The Message translation).

Jessica Morris is a writer for The Salvation Army Australia Communications team.