Never alone

14 September 2020

Julie had felt so lost for so long that she didn’t realise God had never left her.

Words Julie Maclean

I grew up in Lake Macquarie in the Hunter region of NSW. We weren’t a church-going family. Mum and Dad had problems, as everyone does, and it was often kind of hectic. I could always run off into the bush, though, and down to the lake. I was very fortunate to have my grandmother, my dearest ‘Nanny Mac’, and I spent a lot of time at her place.

My first contact with the Salvos was in the 1960s when I was a young girl. I fondly remember that the Swansea Salvos band – in uniform and with drums, brass and timbrels – would march around the streets. For a while, I was a member of the Salvos ‘Sunbeams’ (a group for girls aged 7-10 years).

I became a teenager and very rebellious around the same time my parents divorced. I was 15. I took off and went wild. I went anywhere and everywhere – I was a gypsy.

I became a sole parent at 19. It was heartbreaking for me, but I just set about doing the best that I could to look after my son. I was raised by parents who taught me that you don’t give up, that life isn’t a fairy tale, and you just keep going and always do your best.

Then I met a man who I thought was my ‘Prince Charming’ and we had two children – my beautiful twin boys. When they were three years old, I divorced my husband, and once again became a sole parent.

I was involved in lots of toxic relationships and doing all sorts of things. I did a lot of voluntary work and finished my education. I did a lot of good things, but they were temporary.

Deep down, I was just looking for love, real love. I now have four sons, praise God, and they are the joy of my life. They’ve always kept me going, even when I went through another relationship breakdown.

In February 2001, I just stopped one night and looked at myself. I took a long, hard, deep look inside because I was becoming very bitter. I didn’t like myself. I felt so bad that not only did my sons not have a dad, they didn’t have a very nice mum to look after them.

That broke my heart.

I was in a very deep pit. I had dug myself in so deep that I didn’t know what to do. I just knew I couldn’t go on another day feeling so bad. I was really desperate. As one does, I was calling out, “God, help me, if you’re real!” I’d been lost so for long; I didn’t know anyone was looking for me.

The most amazing thing happened! I looked up and Jesus was there! And he didn’t condemn me. I had been condemning myself all those years. I looked up, and I can only describe (what I felt) as a perfect peace and a calmness that I had never known. And I looked (at Jesus) and I was awestruck, and I said, “You’re real! You are real!” And he smiled and said, “Yes, I am real.” And I recalled a verse of Scripture that I hadn’t heard since I was a little girl, since I was a (Salvos) Sunbeam – “I will never leave you or forsake you” (Deuteronomy chapter 31, verse 6).

Straight away it was clear to me that Jesus had always been there. He’d been through everything with me; he’d never left me. In my entire life he’d been there through everything I’d ever done, everywhere I’d been. He had felt everything I felt, he knew everything I thought, and he still does. He’s here – he’s always here and he never goes, he never turns away.

On Sunday morning, 18 February 2001, I went to church at Eastlakes Salvos. There, at the foot of the cross, I was led by the lovely Salvation Army people to give my life to Jesus and be born again. It was the best day of my life so far.

Now, I have a purpose with our Eastlakes Salvos family, sharing the love of Jesus with others. Life is amazing – learning and growing on this journey with Jesus.