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I saw a man going up a hill with a trolley full of horseshoes, four leaf clovers and rabbit's feet. I thought. “He’s pushing his luck.”
Very sad about my pet mouse 'Elvis' who passed away yesterday:
He was caught in a trap
Today, my son asked, "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know
What is the least spoken language in the world? Sign language
My daughter screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.
Justice is a dish best served cold, if it were served warm it would be justwater.
Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants!
3 unwritten rules of life...
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If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.
What's the best part about living in Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
Why couldn't the bike stand up by itself? It was two tired.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea!
I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles.
What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. If the cow has no legs, then it’s ground beef.
Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents!
I’m only familiar with 25 letters in the English language. I don’t know why.
As a lumberjack, I know that I’ve cut exactly 2,417 trees. I know because every time I cut one, I keep a log.
I was interrogated over the theft of a cheese toastie. Man, they really grilled me.
Question: What cheese do you use to hide a horse?
Answer: Marscapone